Talk:Lucaria.pkm/@comment-28195971-20160608032616
Review time! ALSO: SPOILER ALERT! I'M HOLDIN' NOTHING BACK!!! I'll start with the good stuff: This story really made me as questions, like, "Why didn't Zeydia like Lucaria? Why did White make you have more dreams? Did it have something to do with the Dream Radar?" And so on. It also has a shiny Ninetales! Yay! Plus, I just like the way you're open to suggestions. Too many people are too full of themselves to realize that they're not perfect, and other people can help them improve, because no one will ever be at a point where they can't be better. Also, I like the idea of adding your dreams into the story. Time for clichés! Which, by the way, I knew all this stuff because I actually read all that stuff that I was asked to read on my wall about clichés, rules, and writing tips. 1. LAVENDERRR TOWNNNNNNN. Almost anything Lavender Town is cliché (the only exception I can remember seeing is the pasta, 'It Wasn't Lavender Town'). 2. Distorted music. 3. The ol', 'your-favorite-Pokémon-gets-jealous-of-your-new-Pokémon-and-kills-you-or-itself' cliché. 4. Zeydia knowing your real name. Now the stuff that isn't cliché but I still don't like: The story feels very rushed to me. Unless Zeydia had jealousy problems, why was she already mad at Lucaria? If the story was longer, perhaps I would have felt more attached to Zeydia, and been sad when she died. Instead, I was just sorta like, "Whatever." I want to know why Zeydia's your best friend. Why do you love her so much? I didn't even realize she was your best friend until the end of the story. I want to be sad when Zeydia dies. I've seen pastas where people have cried because of one reason or another. If you can get people to connect with your characters, I think you can get the same results in the future, as this story is really good for a first-time pasta. Now, because I can... BONUS ROUND!!!! 1. What sbout Bolt Strike? Remember that move? 2. Why did Lucaria enter your dreams? Was she trying to protect you or something? 3. Why is the Old Chateau in the story? Isn't the whole Old Chateau theory about a dead... GIRL... Oh... 4. Why's Zeydia only got seven tails? Did the others decompose? 5. Oh yeah. Another cliché. Staring at you through the screen. 6. Why is Zedia your best friend again? 7. Where'd your brother go after the beginning of the story? Was he only there so you could have a way to explain to the readers why Zeydia was rare? 8. Ah, Charizard. Mine's an HM slave, too. Seriously, it is. 9. What was Zeydia's original Nature? 10. Why didn't you mention the fact you caught Zeydia in a Great Ball until you needed to? 11. Why are Lucaria and Zeydia girls? 12. Brothers. I have two. 13. You may have guessed by now that some of this is random. 14. You CRIED. Isn't there some song... "Cry cry cry cry." 15. 'Takeshi'. Nice name. 16. I'MMMMMM... done. Verdict: 5/10. Pretty decent overall. BONUS BONUS ROUND!!!! ...Just kidding.